like liam neeson ([info]irradiatedsoup) wrote,
2005-09-25 00:24:00
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  • Mood: mischievous

cause crackfic is the very best fic

Jayne/Simon crackCATfic
for [info]angstslashhope - i told you I'd do it! ;P

Happy Paws



There would be fights for years after about whose fault it was, though everyone secretly thought it was much more likely that Jayne had pissed off the old wizard with the greying hair and the lightening shaped scar on his forehead, but nothing could change the fact that on this particular day Jayne Cobb and Simon Tam had woken up as felines.

Kittens specifically, replete with fuzzy tails and tiny wet noses.

This was particularly worrisome to them, as the moon they were currently stationed on considered fried cat a special delicacy.

“Which one you think is Simon?” Kaylee asks, tilting her head sideways.

Wash squints down at them, and points. “Jayne is the tabby.”

“Cause he’s bigger?”

“Well that, and, see how he keeps biting the other one’s head?”

Simon sighs, and licks his paw. He would have though the fact that Jayne had already fashioned a weapon out of a toothpick and a glazed cherry would have been the dead giveaway.

“I hope this doesn’t last too long” Jayne says to him grumpily, while Kaylee pets his head and coos, except that Jayne hasn’t properly mastered cat-speak yet and it comes out; “I candle boot tong”

“Well, this is just fine and dandy” Mal snits.

“You don’t like cats, sir?” Zoë asks, unable to keep from grinning. She’s dangling a piece of string over them. Simon feels slightly affronted. Just because he’s shaped like a cat doesn’t mean he’s stupid.

Jayne pounces over him, and jumps at the string.

“I’m allergic, actually.” Mal steps over Simon with huge noisy feet. “Can’t we put them somewhere?”

“I can take care of them,” River says, grimacing heroically.

“String string string string string string string string string string string string string string!” Jayne says, now up on his hind legs. Simon gives in to the urge and swats him. River puts out newspaper for them both.

On the second day, Book brings in another cat called Fluffy for company. She’s nice to Jayne, but she bites Simon’s ear and scratches his paw when he tries to talk to her.

Simon sucks at talking to girls, even as a cat.

When Jayne finds Simon cowering under the bed he picks him up by the scruff of his neck and takes him back to River’s room, which now has newspaper covering every last inch. Simon wants to shred it, but Jayne says no, he’ll stay where he ruttin is, until they’re done. Jayne licks, and rubs, and cleans his head till there is no more blood on his ear.

Simon frowns, but it feels sort of nice so he thinks he’ll put up with it just this once.

On the third day, they’re back to themselves (give or take a few fleas), and everyone is glad, especially Mal, now that he can take the tissues out of his nostrils.

Everything goes back to normal, except well, that sometimes in the night Simon wakes to Jayne licking his hair and pushing his hands into Simon’s back.

Hmmph.

He’ll put up with it just this once.




Tags: fic

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  • 51 comments

[info]bkwyrm

September 24 2005, 14:34:46 UTC 6 years ago

You are obviously insane. That was so cute! Kitten!simonandjayne - entirely crackheaded, but I can see it perfectly.

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:08:21 UTC 6 years ago

HEE! I just wanted an excuse for Jayne to lick Simon's head, but t was jolly good fun. :D

[info]semplice

September 24 2005, 15:11:40 UTC 6 years ago

It shouldn't be, but this is really brilliant.

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:08:47 UTC 6 years ago

You expected anything less from moi? :P

[info]punk_rock_nerd

September 24 2005, 15:26:18 UTC 6 years ago

You will give me some of your crack.

Because it is fantastic.

*snickers*

"Everything goes back to normal, except well, that sometimes in the night Simon wakes to Jayne licking his hair and pushing his hands into Simon’s back.

Hmmph.

He’ll put up with it just this once."

Once, Twice, Three times a... well, lady?

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:10:02 UTC 6 years ago

Well, yuh-huh! Simon is a girl. You can call him Simone if you like. ;P

[info]punk_rock_nerd

6 years ago

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[info]irradiatedsoup

6 years ago

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[info]punk_rock_nerd

6 years ago

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[info]irradiatedsoup

6 years ago

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[info]punk_rock_nerd

6 years ago

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[info]inalasahl

September 24 2005, 16:15:20 UTC 6 years ago

I loved this story all the way through, but this?
Simon sucks at talking to girls, even as a cat.
*Killed* me. So funny.

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:10:39 UTC 6 years ago

HEE! Silly, but also true. :P

[info]nevcolleil

September 24 2005, 16:28:52 UTC 6 years ago

Ha ha ha... :D I love it! Jayne's use of a toothpick and a glazed cherry...the string... Brilliantly funny :p

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:11:12 UTC 6 years ago

Bwee! Glad you enjoyed! Sillyfic is always good fun.

[info]aliaspiral

September 24 2005, 17:45:38 UTC 6 years ago

my god..i dont even LIKE Jayne/Simon! but this was priceless and hysterical and so very very Jayne. String! and fashioning weapons! and biting Simon on the head!

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:13:25 UTC 6 years ago

Yaye! I'm glad you- wait, you don't like Jayne/Simon? But their loveissoangry!? Does. Not. Compute.

Kidding, so glad you enjoyed :D

[info]aliaspiral

6 years ago

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[info]irradiatedsoup

6 years ago

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[info]irradiatedsoup

6 years ago

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[info]aliaspiral

6 years ago

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[info]agilebrit

September 24 2005, 20:24:01 UTC 6 years ago

Bwaahahahahaha!

This bit: Simon sucks at talking to girls, even as a cat. is SO funny. Because it's true.

Awesome.

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:15:26 UTC 6 years ago

Ain't it just? My favourite aspect of the whole series seems to be the constant; Simon is so gay, kaylee, for christssake.

[info]angstslashhope

September 25 2005, 01:14:12 UTC 6 years ago

BWAHAHA YOU ARE A TARD.

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:15:48 UTC 6 years ago

URE A TAARDO, KEVIN.

[info]almostpretty

September 25 2005, 01:48:00 UTC 6 years ago

AHAHAHAHA YAH!

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:16:16 UTC 6 years ago

*fist of pow-ah*

[info]mawaridi

September 25 2005, 02:23:13 UTC 6 years ago

stringstringstringstring!

:D Brilliant!

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:16:38 UTC 6 years ago

Re: stringstringstringstring!

As is your icon!

[info]jakisbishlygay

September 25 2005, 03:34:39 UTC 6 years ago

*grins* I'm making all my friends read this so they wont be able to stop grinning either...

Jayne.. string... aawwwwww

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:17:41 UTC 6 years ago

I apologise heartily to all your friends. ;P Glad you enjoyed! Silly is fun. :D

[info]toniabarone

September 25 2005, 03:47:27 UTC 6 years ago

*LOL* Awww...that's so cute! And by golly gee--*is momentarily horrified she actually said then then shakes her head and continues*--I think this might just be the fic that makes me see the sense in Jayne/Simon. *blinks* I didn't think that was possible.

*L* thanks for the laugh and the read.

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:18:58 UTC 6 years ago

I think Simon would use the phrase "by golly gee" and "whoopsie daisy" and then he'd deny it, but we'd all know and it's be too late.

[info]toniabarone

6 years ago

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[info]irradiatedsoup

6 years ago

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[info]toniabarone

6 years ago

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[info]irradiatedsoup

6 years ago

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[info]toniabarone

6 years ago

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[info]mad_maudlin

September 25 2005, 04:09:24 UTC 6 years ago

This is adorable. And so are the rest of your fics (which I just read in a fit of Firefly love). Cat!Jayne rules the world. :-)

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:20:15 UTC 6 years ago

I wish he did. It would make Independence Day alot funnier. (If that is possible)

[info]angstslashhope

6 years ago

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[info]roguem

September 25 2005, 15:50:14 UTC 6 years ago

lol, brilliant

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:21:01 UTC 6 years ago

Thankyou! I'm here till Tuesday. Try the veal. ;P

[info]roguem

6 years ago

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[info]ana_grrl

September 25 2005, 21:47:29 UTC 6 years ago

cat-tastic

Hee! Evil little Jayne-cat biting cat-Simon's head. Wash is clearly perceptive. Very fun!

[info]irradiatedsoup

September 26 2005, 05:23:39 UTC 6 years ago

Re: cat-tastic

Jayne's the only one who's allowed to mess up Simon's shiny shiny head, you know. And even then Simon puts on his best indignant face.

[info]bearpaw9

October 19 2005, 04:54:47 UTC 6 years ago

**Kittens specifically, replete with fuzzy tails and tiny wet noses.**

I need to wake up a little and try reading again, 'cuz I saw "fuzzy balls" where you wrote "fuzzy tails". *insert ridiculous facial expression* (My bad!)

Anonymous

October 20 2005, 02:37:06 UTC 6 years ago

This is no short of awesome-ness. I love the line "Simon sucks at talking to girls, even as a cat." and "Stringstringstringstring!". That and a super old Harry Potter turning them into cats. Hell yes.
*nohoneyforkolya

[info]sparklebutch

January 26 2006, 20:26:34 UTC 6 years ago

KITTENZZIES.

I mean, what a cute, lovely fic.

No, I think I mean KITTENZZIES!!!!!!!SQUEE.

Yeah, that was it.

[info]sagey1899

February 26 2006, 12:35:32 UTC 6 years ago

OMG! *dies* i'm not a simon/jayne fan but this is possibly the funniest thing i've ever read. *gigglesnort*

cherry weapons and jayne with the string! So funny. and simon having trouble talking to girl cats too. but i loved how jayne rescued simon and cleaned him up. *sigh* althought the image of human jayne licking simon....ai ya...ROFL

well done! I'm glad it was suggested to me

[info]lelann137

April 7 2009, 07:50:46 UTC 3 years ago

oh, kitten Jayne taking care of kitten Simon is too adorable. thanks!
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